So this is 2013
01/13/2013 § 1 Comment
I think this blog deserves a little by of drama to start the year, don’t you? 😉
#RealityCheck I’m currently hunched up on my bed over my phone with the credits of Prom rolling on Star movies. Mio’s soundly asleep and I’m all caffeined up to “reflect” haha!
I know I could type this on the iPad like usual but the phones got more personality and I’d like to be blogging like I’m just talking to a friend. Ergo, brace yourselves beauty loving people because this is NOT a review 😉
The pre holiday classes were crazy. Exams thrown here and there..people going from busy to yolo to chillin. As for me, it’s got me looking forward for everything to pause and let me breathe. Overwhelmed is an understatement indeed. It was so stressful I didn’t even celebrate my birthday..big deal for me, I love birthdays.
The holidays started out slow..as if recuperating from a dreadful virus was how I felt. I seriously was so slow mo I did not even comb my hair for 3 days. After a shower, I’d just tie it up on a bun and watch tv. After those three days I tried to see the people I’ve been missing when I had school. Some people were awesome some ruined some for me but no regrets, I have amazing friends.
Cut short from te New Year’s my classes started early and it was again a matter of living one day at a time. Which helps sometimes when I shouldn’t be distracted by other circumstances but a little bland because I can’t even reach the point of motivation..or even inspiration.
Is it just me? Or have you ever had that feeling when you know that this is what you’ve always wanted and this is going so beautifully but you still find yourself detached..although grateful; still detached from the better things you know you should be glad of. I wonder sometimes if I am only insensitive or selfish. But sometimes I feel like I feel too much that I shouldn’t be so affected anymore.. That I need to distance myself from how I feel.
And so maybe that’s why I give so much attention to how I look. To shopping. And everything else that’s shallow which comes between them. As if willing myself to invest (can’t think of a better term but its kind of like investing my time money and attention) on physical and superficial things to avoid having to work on emotions and relationships. (I’m just typing out my thoughts, no edits, no pre thinking..typing as I’m thinking helps me think better)
Have I been too scared to get hurt once more? No I’m never scared to get hurt..I know very well how I should place myself. Maybe I’m just scared that when I get hurt again, and even if I know I’ll be fine, the other people who care about me wouldn’t be. Just like how everyone else got hurt for me during the last time I was hurt. They still are. I can see it in their eyes when they ask me about my life, feelings, relationships and moving forward. They feel sad for me. I feel sad for myself. But I really appreciate how they make the effort to show concern even if I can see it in their eyes that they’re afraid to say something over the line.
Does this mean I haven’t moved on? That I’m still too attached? I think not. I’ve left my past behind. Learned very well. But I’ve gotten so scared of my past that its so difficult to face what the mystery of the future has for me. Well I feel I’m very selective of how my future will be..selective of my present. Cause I’m avoiding every ounce of pain I’m bound to get through to be the hard and perfectly cut diamond that I want to be.
And that’s not how the world works. I can’t live my present avoiding friendships; and then giving my heart fully to superficial things. I should learn to commit my life to the tests and hardships I’d have to go through to get to the future that I want for me and Mio..in my career, self and relationships.
I should know where to stand and not to bite off any more than I can chew. Life is simple for those who has loved it simple. I chose a complicated route..one I’ve thought of as exciting and one that makes me feel. That is how I know how to live life and that is what I’ve been avoiding. I may not be longing for the past because I know ie left that far behind but it seems like I haven’t accepted my present.
Growing up makes the present much more complicated than playgrounds and homeworks. And I wish I were ready to accept all there is to today..sadly I’m not. Maybe that’s the first step. To accept that I’m not most capable. That I can’t fix everything. And that I should work on only the important ones I can deal with..not the important ones I can’t do anything about.
This may make my life sound as if there are too many problems but sometimes I wonder how its like I’d I had a different set of problems. Like what if my problem was how to get myself thru my basic needs. Would life be simpler? Easier? Having more than your basic needs mean that you’d have to give more of yourself. And I used to believe that that would make life worth living, giving everything. Used to believe..now I’m quite confused. I guess that’s the problem, how we wonder if the thee side of the fence is greener. And somehow that takes us away from our present.
Ima leave this hanging but I kinda have my resolutions now..finally 🙂 cause I felt so very uninspired to do anything good for my life after NewYears 🙂