On Passion, Motivation and Duties

05/20/2012 § Leave a comment

I shall tell more on why I’ve been MIA next time but for now, I just want to do a spontaneous rant/flight of ideas on my recent thoughts.

PASSION. If anything, my passion has always been inclined on this (very beauty queen) idea of making someone (almost every person I care about) feel better. I do not know, it’s a bit selfish actually because I like that it’s ME who makes them smile..it’s just that I hate so much to know that I’ve done another thing which has made someone’s life quite miserable ( because I feel like I’ve already done that so many times in my life starting from when I was born..literally) and In my constant attempt to make the one I’m front of me smile, I just tend to eventually make the others frown. Yes I try to please everybody and that surely will never ever be achieved. How do I remedy? I choose very carefully the people I care about. However, once I feel this “concern” I can’t ever seem to shake it off. I know, I again have been contradicting my own words and rebottling my own defense. I find that it just goes to show how much I try to think (over think) hard of everything I care about doing. And so I feel I do know much about my passion. How I feel for it, how it gets into my head and how I fulfill them. And also, I do know how it feels like when I know that the tasks lined up for me are things I’m not passionate about. I do hate having to do things which I feel I should not be. Ok I’m stubborn. I’ve been told, I know and I’ve told myself I am a bunch of times already. But let me remind you..ask me to, and of course I shall follow because I did say I just want to please you. I do not know why I have this compelling feeling of having to fulfill tasks for others and not for me even if they are things which are for my betterment..is that even a word? And when I dont feel I’m only compelled to do so, I almost always tend to fail. And my gosh, how it kills me when I did not finish a task I did not even want to do in the first place. How very bipolar huh? well,as always, ambivalence and some overwhelming anxiety. Hng.

A stubborn person sometimes is just too passionate of the things most people do not realize.

**I just remembered how I used to love this one guy who wrote of his feelings masked with very complicated words..as in they will not even seem like he’s talking of his feelings..and then I almost always would simply try to write everything that gets into my head word per word. Haha.

MOTIVATION. If anything, has always been my family. Of how hard they deserve that I do the right things in return for their love and hard work to help me achieve anything I dream of. However, sometimes even if I know they do inspire me and that I know I can do the things I have to do, I just can’t get myself to move because of a great feeling that something will only go wrong and then I find myself stuck, with a book and coffee, having nothing accomplished. What’s wrong with me? I’ve sworn to make all the rest of all my 24 hours to be very fruitful and then I find myself in this..LIMBO. I dont even know if it’s still called limbo considering how long I feel like I’m just stuck. I thought I only needed, a good cry but no. I thought I only needed a deadline but no.

Some things just don’t feel right to me even if they are for everyone else.

And then I struggle. Yung feeling na, I know but I don’t feel like so. Ugh.

Let’s face it, I can’t start new things if I still have things unfinished with a previous task.

DUTIES. so I haven’t come to a conclusion and I already know what I have to do. That basically is what duties are right? Things I HAVE TO do. Hassle. Even if I feel like I really detest having to ask the stupid favors from them for something I don’t even take pride of. Is it just too much pride that I have? Which is why I can’t get myself to FOLLOW? Yes.

IMPORTANT NOTE: the people refer to here are not the ones in my PERSONAL life (except when I said “family” duh). They are those who are in my PROFESSIONAL life which explains my lack of concern/respect (in a certain sense)

❤ Jessica

PS if you've read the entry until here, thank you 🙂 I know it wasn't easy..lol


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