I don’t know

04/02/2012 § 4 Comments

I don’t know why I have to try to prove myself all the time. No I’m not pretending to be someone else but I always try to make myself be the best me just for you to see. And I don’t know why I never got to feel normal. Like I just go with the flow and you don’t say anything bad about it.

I feel that’s why I felt so at home the last time I fell in love. Cause I could be me and I could see him happy for who I am and I could see him enjoy the company. I feel that’s why I love being with my friends. I can say stupid things, do nothing and just laugh and still know they won’t leave me. That they’ve got my back no matter what stupid thing I do.

I just wish that you, being the person I’ve always tried to impress all my life would see that I’m not so bad. That I’m a great company and that I’m worth the caring for. Or maybe I’ll just wish that he’ll come back to let me know that I still am wonderful and I should again feel at home.

Eitherway, both wishes seem very futile. And I’ll just keep on living my life always struggling to impress you so someone could finally see the good in me and be proud of me.

I’m not perfect..I do stupid things. But I’m not so bad if you really take an effort to see what’s good in me. Only if you pay attention close enough. Cause in my “perfect” world, everyone believes in the good in every one else. Cause all the negativity is just killing me already.

I don’t know why people think that I really am fine. Of course I’d rather smile and laugh than sulk in all the misfortunes I’ve had but isn’t it obvious yet how difficult things are on my side of the road? Well, for the record, I’d like you to know that it’s not easy at all. And I sometimes can’t even find it in myself to even try. Until Mio wakes up.

I don’t know why money takes a toll on everything. I don’t even honestly believe it’s real. Money is something people invented to make a numerical value for a thing. In my perfect world, people make pretty dresses cause they love to sew, people heal people because they want to relieve them of an illness, people drive people to places because they love the adventure and they love being the tour guide, people make food because they love to cook.

My point is, I really just cannot find a good use for money. It makes us suffer from debts, kills old people trying hard to work, and destroys relationships with their endless battles of how to make, spend and save their money. I think this means I wanna live in a Buddhist temple of some sort..well, probably. Id like Mio to grow up in a place with great energy all around. Id like him to grow up loving how nature is simply put, IS. Id like him to grow up in goodness and love for evrything o this planet.

My much needed break is a peaceful retreat and a cozy massage. I’ll take a long dip in a relaxing hot spring as cheapest alternative.

I’m obviously a very confused girl tonight. And it feels like the negativity is just getting to me very much. Dear God, please make it stop already.

❤ Jessica

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